"Welcome to the psychiatric hotline:
If you are obsessive-compulsive: Press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent: Please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities: Please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional: We know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are schizophrenic: Listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive: It doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer."
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